Does the quarter-life crisis ever end?

The last couple months since I've been back to real life have been a bit...strange. Maybe strange is the wrong word. Inconclusive?

It's a lot of different factors. There's the adjustment period of having to return to real life after 4 carefree months gallavanting around the world. Then the fact that it's so slow at work makes it hard to adjust to being back at work - I actually think it would have been better if I had been staffed right away on killer deals so I could get back into the flow...and not be so goddamn bored, which makes me even more restless and antsy. Then there's the growing pains of a new relationship - getting to really know someone in real life (as opposed to dream dates in Tahoe, Guatemala, France, Italy and Belgium). Add all of this to trying to figure out what my plans for the near future are, and the results are...well, inconclusive.

A couple things that have come up in recent conversations have been weighing on me.

A friend recently commented that I have a "18 month itch" - every 12-18 months, I get restless and need some big change in my life. Which is quite true, actually. At 24, I graduated law school, passed the CA bar and backpacked around SE Asia. At 25, I opened a bakery. At 26, I sold the bakery and seriously contemplated moving to North Carolina, then ended up buying a condo and testing the world of cohabitation. At 27, I ended my long-term relationship and exited the world of cohabitation. At 28, I took a leave of absence and traipsed around the world with a backpack, just after meeting a new guy, who wonderfully made it work through (and despite) my absence and uncertainty about the future. As 29 approaches, I wonder...what's in store?

I recently had dinner with my family who commented: "You always seem to know exactly what you want and always do it. You should have been born a guy." Sexist remark notwithstanding, that statement still gives me some pause. Because actually, they are completely wrong about me. I never know exactly what I want. In fact, I don't know what I want at all (except when I DO, which is sometimes, like today at lunch when I told the waitress I wanted a bowl of greek yogurt and a bowl of honey, and yet she brought me a bowl with just a teeny bit of honey on top of yogurt, sprinkled with tons of powdered sugar! DID I ASK FOR POWDERED SUGAR??? NO. How hard is it to bring me exactly what I ask for? Excuse my tangential ranting. Anyway, my point is that sometimes I DO know what I want, or think I know what I want, except that I always reserve the right to change my mind, which I do quite often. Which sometimes makes me wonder - do I have a psychological disorder? Like multiple personalities? Bipolar disorder? Which takes me to another tangent, which I'll discuss after finishing this thought.) Sometimes I think my life here and now is pretty great and I just want to continue it as is. Sometimes I think maybe I just need a change of pace - like going in-house or changing careers, but then I'm not sure I can deal with the necessary change in lifestyle that that will entail. Sometimes I think I want to move abroad so I can immerse myself in a new culture and language. Sometimes I think I want a baby. Sometimes I think I want one now. Sometimes I think I want one in 3-4 years. Sometimes I think I don't really want one. Sometimes I think I'll be a horrible mother so I probably shouldn't ever have any. But most of the time, I really don't know what I want. Until I DO. Which is when I start putting everything into action. But I'm not quite there yet. I still don't know what I want now.

El Hombre recently commented that being with me is "sometimes like dating two different people." Within the same 24 hours, while catching up with P, he commented (about a conversation I had recently had with my grandmother): "I see. A three party conversation with only two people present. Not unusual when you're involved." When I asked him what he meant, he replied: "Your grandma and two of your personalities. Obviously." Which reminded me of my conversation with El Hombre and his comment that dating me was like dating two different people, which I relayed to P. He chuckled and commented: "oh, that's just the tip of the iceberg." Which is true, and kind of funny. But also kind of worrisome - I mean, it's not normal to have different personalities, is it?? Frankly, it would be easier if I was just a true schizo or had clinical multiple personalities. At least you would be able to know what to expect based on which personality was "out." But my problem is that ALL of these things are me, and truly me. And to the extent that all of these things that are truly me conflict with each other, I am just a living contradiction. I think SF is the greatest city in the world to live in, yet I desperately want a change of scenery for a temporary period. I am happy with my life, which would seem to be going swimmingly, if I just wouldn't rock the boat. But of course I have to rock the boat. I honestly think that the concept of lifetime monogamy is unrealistic and against human nature. And yet I truly believe that the partnership of marriage can be lifelong and wonderful, and is something I want for myself. I really want kids, yet wonder when I will be emotionally selfless enough to become a mother. I adore El Hombre but am sometimes plagued with insecurity and doubt about whether it can last or whether we are "meant" to be together.

Like I said, everything is inconclusive. I think this might be my personal key word for 2008.

So at the end of this rambling collection of thoughts, I have two conclusions:

I have no idea what the rest of 2008 or 2009 will look like. And I need a therapist.