Self-Analysis

For all my faults and shortcomings, I think I am very self-aware (and honest in my self-evaluation and self-awareness). El Hombre has noted that I don't lack any self-esteem and in fact, love myself maybe too much. Which I wholeheartedly agree with - of course I love myself! Why wouldn't I...what's not to love? I think I am terrific, although I can see how not everyone would think so, but then that's why people aren't friends with everyone, you know? You are friends with the people who you think are terrific and they think you are terrific in return.

In any case....shouldn't everyone love themselves and think they are terrific? I think there's a fine line between loving yourself and being cocky/arrogant and I'm not going to claim that I never cross that line. But I think what keeps me in check most of the time is my hyper self-awareness of my faults. I'm my own most avid supporter but also my own harshest critic. There's a whole laundry list, probably starting with my lack of filter, bluntness, stubbornness, hot temper, tendency to be a stressball, inability to talk in an indoor voice, laziness, fickleness, strong dislike of certain personalities and/or personal characteristics which makes me not really like that many people but also guarantees that if I do like you as a friend I adore you, impatience....shall I go on? This is all tangential anyway. The point of this blog was really to focus on one of my flawed personality traits - my neurotic OCD tendencies.

When I am bored, worried or stressed I have a tendency to go on one of my OCD rampages. I scrub the kitchen counters. Swiffer. Vacuum. Organize all the cupboards. Organize the refrigerator. Scrub the toilet. Scrub the bathtub. Windex every glass surface. Make to do lists. Work on my personal finances spreadsheet. Basically, indulge my OCD anal retentive tendencies until there is nothing left to clean, no more lists to be made.

So while on the conscious surface level I feel that I am not so stressed out about layoffs anymore and think that whatever happens, I will be ok, my OCD behavior from this morning (cleaned the house from top to bottom) indicates that perhaps I'm more worried about it than I am letting on to myself. Or maybe I'm just bored.

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The holiday season is in full swing - tomorrow is my little bro's 25th birthday, followed by a weekend of holiday parties and dinners, followed by more holiday lunches and dinners, followed by Christmas Eve and Christmas in Yosemite with the family, followed by Paris and Barcelona with S, followed by New Year's in Tahoe!