The Balance of the Universe (or, I Will Survive)

Yesterday was a bleak day. I have the tendency to take the uncertain and spin it into the very worst possible scenario. I think it's a self-protection mechanism. I am handed uncertainty, if I expect and prepare for the very very worst, then I won't be disappointed if it actually happens, but pleasantly surprised if it doesn't happen. In any case, upon hearing about pay freezes and potential layoffs yesterday, coupled with the news that none of my main clients had any deals planned for 2009, making me a prime candidate to be booted, yesterday was a day of major, brow-furrowed, hysterical (mostly in my head...when others are around I tend to just be really quiet when I am majorly stressed out) freaking out. What would I do if I get laid off?! There are no legal job openings in the bay area. I have a freaking mortgage. My investments are so wiped out that they are basically worthless. I only have enough liquidity to last me 3-4 months, and there's no way the economy would recover during that time. OMG OMG OMG. What are the alternatives? The economic crisis is global. And even in the off-chance I can find a job elsewhere, what would that mean for my relationship with El Hombre? It's a no-win situation. If I stay put and "wait it out" I am almost certain to be laid off if the economy does not drastically improve in the next 6 months. If I find a job elsewhere, my relationship with El Hombre is in limbo because who knows if he will be able to find a job (or want to take a job) wherever I end up. OMG OMG OMG. Dios mio, que horrible.

So that was yesterday. After 9.5 hours of exhaustion-induced peaceful sleep, a workout at the gym and a good cup of coffee, my head has cleared. I know I'll be ok. At least I think so.

The thing is, I've subconsciously been expecting this all along. I KNEW layoffs were very possible. My life has been so picture perfect in the last few months...or actually, all of 2008. I kept waiting for something to happen to counterbalance that - after all, if there has ever been a rule that governs my life it is that really really good things are countered by really really bad things, and vice versa. People think I'm paranoid, but that has been the story of my life so there's no reason the rule would change. So perhaps yesterday's news should not have come as a shock at all, just a matter of fact. It's just that when my fears were confirmed, I went a little bonkers with stress. I hate uncertainty.

But rationally, realistically, I know that I'll be fine. Life may not be as rosy as it has been recently, but it will be ok. Another rule that has governed my life...generally things happen for a reason. And even if that reason doesn't make sense to me at the time, it later works itself out. Or even if things don't happen for a reason and just happen (because shit happens), you have to learn to roll with the punches. So while things are not ideal currently, I have faith that whatever is meant to happen will happen, and that it will all work itself out.