Resolutions

I haven't made new year's resolutions for just about the last 10 years because I always break them and then get disappointed in myself for breaking them and I don't like setting goals where I know I am guaranteed to fail. Then I had a revolutionary idea (for me): why not make resolutions that I can actually keep? I only have 2 resolutions this year, and they are really just 2 sides of the same coin:

1) Don't engage in self-destructive behavior and
2) Practice kindness - to myself, to my family, to my friends, and to the rest of the world (in that order)

2007 was a year of...discovery and shedding the last few shreds of repression from my childhood. I discovered: 1) that I am capable of really hurting people I care about, 2) I am at my core a very selfish person, 3) I shouldn't always trust my own judgment (this was totally new to me, as I have always relied on my judgment), 4) I have very screwed up (uber-cynical) ideas about love (mainly, whether it can last), 5) I have a wild side, 6) tequila brings out the Hyde/Tyler Durden in me. I also shed the last vestiges of repression from my conservative Korean Christian guilt-ridden upbringing. And let me just say - it basically took me 10 years to shed it all - guilt is a very powerful thing. Especially Korean guilt. Or Christian guilt. Or maybe Korean Christian guilt?

But new year, new slate. I learned a lot about myself in 2007 - both good and bad. And I think 2008 is the year where I get to decide what I'm going to do with that knowledge. As two good friends said to me earlier this year: there's "angel Deb" and "devil Deb" and they are constantly trying to punch each other out. But it doesn't have to be that way - angel Deb and devil Deb can learn to hold hands and live in harmony.

So, cease from engaging in self-destructive behavior. I made some not-so-great decisions in 2007. Which is not to say that I regret them, because I think I've learned so much from my decisions and actions, and between regretting doing something or regretting not doing it, I'd rather be in the former camp (for the most part). So I'm all for experiencing new things and more self-realization, but I think you can still do that while skipping those decisions that I know will be emotionally or mentally self-destructive.

Practice kindness. On NYE in Tahoe, we shared our resolutions (except me, since I don't make them). One friend said she wanted to be nicer. And I said: niceness is overrated. And I think it is, especially since that friend is already perfectly nice enough. I think being too nice can sometimes lead to being taken for granted. And I've always appreciated friends that sass back to those that always comply with whatever I want or say. But I realize that there is a difference between niceness and kindess. Practicing kindness to myself is the flip side of not engaging in self-destructive behavior, and also forgiving myself for things I've done, people I've hurt. Practicing kindness to my family - for me, this is really only possible if I see very little of them, since the more time I spend with them, the unkinder I become. Practice kindness to my friends - don't do or say things that I know will hurt those that I care about (although this has to be balanced by honesty, which can sometimes be hurtful - I'm really talking about those times when I lack a filter and say/do unnecessary things that can be hurtful).