Hole-hearted

There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you. ("Hole-Hearted" by Extreme)

Growing up in the church, a concept I heard about often was how we have a God-sized hole in our hearts that only God can fill, and in return God has a a [insert name of every sinner]-sized hole in his heart that only that individual can fill.

Lately I've been thinking about how that concept applies to people in our lives. We aren't born with these holes per se, but as people come into and really become a part of our lives, unbeknownst to either of you, that person starts taking a place in your heart that only that person can fill. And unless and until that person is no longer in your life, you never fully realize it.

Different people fill different needs in your life, connect to different parts of who you are. I don't think it's possible for one person to fulfill every single human need in your life. I don't think any friend or even your husband or wife can fill every human need you have on an emotional/mental level. Different people understand you in different ways, which is part of what makes life so beautiful - that you can connect with a myriad of people on varying levels. What also makes life so beautiful, and potentially painful - when someone really touches your life, they create a space in your heart that only they can fill. And I don't think the space they occupy in your heart/life has anything to do with the amount of time they've been in your life, but rather by how deeply they've touched you or how deeply you've connected. Even though J and I have only been friends for a couple years, the space she occupies in my life is so unique - only she can fill that space just right. And that space was never there before she entered my life - I never had a J-sized hole in my heart until she came along and created it, but now that she has, only she can fill that space perfectly. The same goes for each of my friends - each of them is so unique and occupies a space in my heart that can only be filled by them.

There are certain memories or experiences you share with someone that only the two of you quite understand in that certain way. And you can't recreate that experience by telling someone about it...it's just not the same. Sometimes, you really just had to be there. Which is why often with old friends there is a deep, easy understanding of each other that doesn't require trying to understand or connect with someone. It just is.

So when for whatever reason a person is no longer part of your life, they leave a hole in your heart that is shaped exactly, uniquely like them. And no one and nothing can ever fill that space quite right.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently, ever since the demise of a friendship with a very old, very dear friend. When that person was in my life, I didn't feel the hole because even though we didn't see each other on a daily basis, just having her in my life filled that hole - the hole she created by being in my life, the hole that got deeper as our bond grew over the years. Except that it wasn't a hole, because she occupied that space. Now that she is no longer in my life, I feel the hole - just a little on some days, and terribly a lot on others. And it's quite a sad thing to know that I can't just pick up the phone or email her anymore with matters that are inane or don't make sense to others, but that she, and she alone, would totally get. There's a T-shaped void in my heart...and the irony is she's the one who would most understand and appreciate this analogy.