brain fart

I am very sleepy but wired maybe I shouldn't have had two cups of coffee a can of coke and tea darn I hope I can fall asleep tonight I feel like my mind is racing and yet I have nothing coherent to say but I still need to get my thoughts out so that hopefully I won't talk or scream in my sleep tonight and I need to wake up early tomorrow and maybe I should try to vote in the morning but I bet the lines will be super long so I should just wait until after work but then the lines will probably still be long plus I will have to miss Chinese class for the third time in a row oh well not like I was really getting any better at it hmm so should I vote in the morning or after work morning would be better but what time do I need to be in the office hmmm I feel like Obama is a sure thing but who knows it's pretty crazy and amazing to think that tomorrow history will be made and seriously I never thought I would live to see the day where a black man would become president and not just a black man but as Chris Rock pointed out a black man with a very African name he gives me hope after eight years of hopelessness I remember four years ago I was so distraught I wanted to move out of the country oh and I love love love my new purple patent leather bag really really love it oh and I really really really hope this goddamn deal signs tomorrow because I would really like to have my billable hour-less life back for the rest of the year and it would be great to have my evenings and weekends back although I have to admit that M&A work is actually kind of interesting maybe even preferable substantively compared to corp fin but of course corp fin is less unpredictable and that is huge to me because the most important virtues of a job are how well it pays by which I mean how well it allows me to live the life I want and second how much control I have over my schedule and time by which I also mean how well it allows me to live the life I want and gosh it's actually harder than I thought to write in stream of consciousness while ignoring all punctuation rules because my reflexes are actually conditioned to reach for periods and commas and capital letters had the yummiest dinner which was really the singular highlight of my day given that I was sitting in the office for almost 15 hours I decided to eat dessert instead of dinner strawberry shortcakes from daily grill oh my god so good and yummy marred only by the fact that I had to eat it at my desk and how many meals have I eaten at my desk in the last week too many to count and that is really depressing I really can't wait until this goddamn deal is signed i really love the holiday season i hope all this rain in SF means that it is snowing in tahoe i want to go skiing a lot this winter oh and i can't wait for all the christmas lights love love love the holidays and can't wait for time traveler's wife the movie to come out and spend time with the fam and friends and ski and snowboard and ring in the new year's except that i always hate when the holiday season is over looking forward to something is more than half the joy when what you were looking forward to is over you feel wistful when i think about my life i have so much to be thankful for and i really could not ask for anything more and really i don't think there's anything i want other than my family to be healthy and have all their wishes fulfilled and my friends to have all that their hearts desire and for bad fortune to never fall upon me or my loved ones the worst of which is terminal illness and the second worst of which is devastating financial failure my grandmother tells me that because i suffered so much when i was young i am set for the rest of my life and good god i really hope that is true but just in case there is a god or santa or whoever listens to prayers and christmas and birthday wishes all i want is for my mom and dad to both be healthy and truly happy and for my grandmother to never get ill or suffer pain and to live to be at least a very healthy 100 and for my brother to get into college and for el hombre and my friends to have all their heart's desires fulfilled and i guess if i'm really allowed to ask for whatever i want i'd like to lose four pounds and have a metabolism that allows me to eat whatever i want and never get fat and miraculously grow two inches vertically and dude i must be really delirious right now also someday i hope to be a mommy but who knows when that will be sometimes i feel like i want a baby but most of the time i feel like i'm not ready yet but then i wonder when i'll be ready since i'm getting kind of old i mean do women actually have a moment where they feel like they are ready to be mothers it's insane to me to think that i'm reaching the age my momma was when she got divorced it was surreal to go to sandra's wedding and see everyone who is married now all with little babies and sometimes i wonder if life is not pre-destined to some degree after all because in all my years at berkland i never saw myself as married to some church guy and having a bunch of babies i mean it's so cute to see my friends' babies and they all seem happy in their own way but i thank god for the life i have and i hope that does not sound judgmental it's not meant to be i think there are different strokes for different folks and different things make different people happy and for me having my life dictated by the church did not make me happy although sometimes i do miss a good sermon and i did like the praise songs and i still believe there is a god and i do think he's probably in essence the god i grew up learning about but in my mind god is much more loving and easygoing and not so judging or angry and essentially just wants all of us to be happy and good and share happiness and goodness with those around us and of course good is defined very differently to different people which brings me to politics it's so interesting and so useless to talk about because i've realized that you just cannot change people's minds about an issue if they've made up their mind about it and there are never any absolute right answers just what you think is right according to your own principles and i have to admit that this election a lot of my votes came out on the more conservative side because i pretty much voted against anything needing too much funding and also against energy initiatives because i think if clean energy is a viable option then private companies should and will have the motivation to invest in research and i just don't need my taxpayer money going toward it especially when the economy is this bad and i won't comment on prop 8 other than to say that my goodness the amount of time money and energy spent on it was just a bit overwhelming and i think it's a difficult issue for a lot of people and i had a lot of ahem heated discussions about it and i'm just totally over talking about it damn i need to renew my driver's license wonder when i will have time to do that before it expires hmm wonder if i should buy skis although maybe i should just concentrate on trying to get better at snowboarding ok guess i should go to sleep.