The Thing

El Hombre and I are currently going through our longest period of separation since I moved to Tokyo. It's been 4 weeks since we last saw each other and it will be another 2.5 weeks of separation before we finally see each other in Cali later this month - adding up to 6.5 weeks of total physical separation. Prior to this extended period, we had managed to see each other every 3 weeks. Considering we have the great, big expanse called the Pacific Ocean between us, it's a fairly amazing feat that we managed to see each other so often, and I think it is telling of both our desires to make this relationship work.

I'm beginning to wonder if three weeks is the breaking point for us. We've managed (oftentimes, just barely) to keep this relationship together until now, and it hasn't been easy, not one single step. We passed our three week period earlier this week and I've noticed that since we passed that mark, we've been getting quite cross with each other. Sometimes I say something which I think is totally non-controversial, then he disagrees with me or tries to disprove me and this...lack of solidarity, this lack of understanding, or even attempted understanding...it makes me so upset that I have no other words to say. Sometimes, especially when you aren't experiencing the day-to-day together, you just need the other person to understand, to agree, to sympathize. Because when you don't have physical proximity, the only way you can feel "close" to that person is to know that they understand how you feel - not necessarily agree with how you feel, but understand and sympathize. When you're in a long distance relationship, that's really all you have, in terms of connecting emotionally. And when the other person seems to not understand, or seems to not even be trying to understand why you could think or feel a certain way, but instead seems to be challenging whether your thoughts or feelings are "correct" or valid - well, it just makes you feel farther apart than ever - the only distance farther than being on different ends of the earth from each other is being emotionally unreachable to each other.

Up until now, I think our pattern has been to spend anywhere between 3 days to a week together - every waking minute of every day - being "normal" again. Meaning: spending time reconnecting, sharing meals, sharing laughter, talking, arguing, falling asleep together, waking up together - all those things that people in normal relationships get to do on a daily basis. And this immediate memory, the imprint of each other left on each other as we part once more, gives us enough of that...I don't know, the "happy, magical feeling" of connecting with someone, to give us the strength to make it through the next few weeks, until our next visit. But as the days and weeks go by until the next visit, we grow more and more distant. The imprint of each other fades a little bit each day. The feeling of being with each other, of understanding one another, of connecting...fades a little more each day. Then, just when we feel like it's no longer bearable, our next visit arrives, and we are able to connect once again, to experience the pure happiness of just being in each other's presence. But this time, our three week mark has come and gone. And I feel so out of sorts.

I've recently spent a lot of time with J and her husband, and when I look at them together, I am at once moved by how amazingly close they are and driven almost to tears by how much I long for that - that "oneness" with another person that completely just gets you, who you get to share your life with. Every time I hang out with them, I think: they are so lucky to have found each other, they are so lucky they get to spend every day of their lives with their best friend and lover.

Here's the thing about LDR: they are hard work. It takes so much effort from both people to make an LDR work. When you are together in the same locale, it doesn't feel like effort. It just feels easy to be together - when you want to see each other, you see each other. You do stuff together, so inevitably it's easier to understand what the other is talking about when they remark on an event or a person, because you understand the context - you were there. But when you're in a LDR, there is the constant frustration of not being able to see each other and also of not having been through the same daily minutia together - and when you don't go through the daily minutia together, it's tougher to sympathize or understand what the other person is talking about when they complain or make a comment about something that happened to them.

Here's another thing about LDR: they are lonely. It's such an oxymoron to be in a relationship yet feel lonely, but that's what LDR is like. One day, you were sharing every moment of everyday together, and the next, you share nothing. To lose your partner-in-crime, your confidant, your lover, your sounding board, your best friend all in one fell swoop - well, there's nothing lonelier than that. To experience daily life alone, because the person you want to share it with can't be with you.

Here's another thing about LDR: arguing/fighting SUCKS. There's no true making up when you argue or fight during an LDR. Because true making up requires looking into each other's eyes and having that look of love/understanding/apology/forgiveness pass between each other. Followed by hot make-up sex. Without those elements, you haven't really made up, just kind of patched things up, for now.

The thing about LDR is this: when it comes down to it, it's not really a relationship but a promise. A promise to stay faithful to each other despite the distance and time, because you think there's something there that's special enough that you hope to one day be in the same city and be able to have a real relationship.

***

I don't really know what the point of this surmising was, except to clear my head of thoughts I've been having recently. I feel like I need live-facetime with El Hombre soon, very soon.