Make you feel my love

I went to a Jayesslee concert over the weekend. Jayesslee is a Korean-Australian twin sister duo who sing mostly covers songs and achieved fame through YouTube. I was introduced to them by my brother and cousins, who used to be in love with them a few years back and made me watch their YouTube videos on repeat.

I think I've noted before that God has reminded me in big and small ways of his presence and his grace in 2014. Grace has always been a difficult concept to explain or grasp for me. Christians use it so freely in speech - God's grace, the grace of God. It never really used to mean anything to me - it was just one of those Christian jargon that people seemed to throw around a lot.

Until I experienced it. I didn't have a revelationary moment so I can't pinpoint the exact time I first felt God's grace. I still can't describe it that well, except to say it is the thing that makes me feel that I am not alone, that I am loved even though I know I don't deserve to be, and that things will be ok.

Grace is the thing that keeps me from feeling totally and utterly hopeless. Grace is the thing that makes me try again when I've failed before. Grace is the thing that allows me to love those who have hurt me, and love myself even when I don't feel like it. Grace is the thing that gives me hope, even when life lets me down. Grace is what allows me to forgive others, and to ask for forgiveness. Grace. You know....it's that thing.

I don't identify myself as a Christian. That's a religion to me, and like most religions, I think the act of following Christ has been largely and grossly misrepresented by the people who claim the faith. And on that same note, I don't think I have any right to claim that I am an any better representation of someone who believes in Jesus. But I do believe in Jesus, and I've experienced his grace.

I don't know about other churches, but the churches I grew up in REALLY liked to focus on sin and repentance. Everything was a sin, we needed to constantly repent and only then could we know Jesus. Oh, and you also had to have faith in the things you could not see. And if you didn't repent and have blind faith, then you were going to hell. I don't know about you, but the constant message of: "you suck and are worthless and unloveable" and "you better believe or you'll go to hell, and don't you dare ask for proof, because that's a sign of disbelief" did not sit well with me. Why is it wrong to ask for proof? Would you believe me if I said I could fly if I didn't show you I could do it? I have always related to doubting Thomas, and wondered why his doubt is always depicted as a negative character trait. What's wrong with wanting proof?

The churches I went to never gave me satisfactory proof. Not that God's grace didn't exist there, but I think the judgmentality, people-consciousness, and their definitions of what it meant to be a "good Christian" totally and completely turned me off and tuned me out so that even if I witnessed grace right in front of me, I probably would have attributed it to luck or chance or attitude.

But there is proof, and the proof is grace. But the thing about grace is that there's no way I can explain it or show that it's there - you have to experience it for yourself to understand it. And it's as real to me as if Jesus had let me touch the holes in his hands after being nailed to the cross, because the effect of grace is that tangible. And here's the thing: grace is a gift. All along, church made me feel as if I had to earn God's love by constantly repenting of my sins but trying to be good at the same time. But I don't think God's grace is earned - not in any way, shape or form. You don't earn grace by repenting, and you don't earn grace by being good. God gives it to you as a gift - I don't know how he decides when or how, because sometimes you can pray for grace for years and not experience it, and other times he just drops it in your lap. And it is the most pure and beautiful thing I've experienced.

So I started this post talking about Jayesslee. That's because they sang a cover of "Make you feel my love" by Bob Dylan/Adele, and it moved me to tears. It's how I feel God feels about us, and in turn, how we feel towards the people we love.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
no doubt in my mind were you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love