Halmuni

It's a sad, terrible thing to see someone you love deteriorate from the lively, healthy, young person she was to a frail, weak, forgetful and sometimes helpless shadow of her former self.

My grandmother arrived in HK last week and these days, every time I see her after even a short break - 3 or 4 months - I notice how much frailer, how much more forgetful, how much more helpless she has become. And it breaks my heart.

Each time I see her, she has regressed further, become more childlike. Her movements are so frail. Her fingers so awkwardly bent, a result of arthritis. Her hands are so wrinkled. Her knees give her pain. Yet she still tries to carry her own suitcase or shopping bag, even when I try to take them from her. She will fight me when I try to carry them instead, so much so that I have to yell at her to let me take them. After which I feel terrible, but at the same time, annoyed. Why can't she just let me do things for her? She's almost 80, while I am only 32. She is weak, I am strong. I know it's because she loves me and wants to lessen my burden - something she has always tried to do in any way possible my entire life. But I also wish she could understand that to love me is to also let me love her back by lessening HER burden. She will only let me carry her purse or her shopping bags when she is really, utterly exhausted - which happens so much faster than it used to, which also breaks my heart.

We arrived in Seoul together yesterday for one last trip together while I am still single. She always talks about how much she wants a new scarf, so I spent the day taking her to every luxury store in Apgujeong, imploring her to find a scarf she wants. At every single store, she'd find something wrong with the scarves I showed her - the color or pattern wasn't to her liking, the cloth wasn't soft enough, it was too thick or not thick enough, the width was too wide or not wide enough, and at a couple stores, she'd straight up ask the salesperson how much it was and then declare loudly: "what kind of scarf costs so much money?!" She told me she doesn't want or need a scarf. So I tried to have her pick a purse, because she kept complaining how the purse she brought was too heavy and hurt her shoulders. Again, she found something wrong with every single purse I showed her, but if I said anything to the effect of how pretty it was or how good the quality was, she'd immediately say that I should buy it for myself because I need to look smart for my job. I told her she should just take me up on my offer to buy her something nice, or that I would just not get her anything. At which point she actually seemed relieved, then told me: "oh good, because I don't need nice things. Where would I wear such nice things anyway? You're young and have a professional job, so you're the one who neds to wear nice things." Which again, broke my heart.

I can't help but notice her physical deterioration. Sometimes we'll just be walking and her knees will go weak and she'll trip. At first I thought she tripped on the uneven sidewalks in HK, but when it happened three times in one afternoon, I realized it was her body. Just 6 months ago we climbed Mt. Sorak together, now she can barely walk in a mall for an hour.

Her mind is deteriorating too. She is forgetful. Scarily forgetful. She will say things out of context. She'll ask me fretfully where she placed the gift bag with teas she bought for my uncle and aunt, and grin sheepishly when I show her that she's carrying it on her arm. She'll ask me where the TV remote control is, when it's right next to the TV. When I tell her it's next to the TV, she'll look at it strangely and say that's not the control she used before. And I'll ask her: "you mean, it's not the same as the control you use at home? This is a different TV, this is the remote for this TV." And she'll suddenly smile and say: "oh. haha, yeah of course. I just used this remote this morning, it is the right remote after all."

One day this week, she was supposed to meet me at my office so we could go to lunch together. My office is exactly 4 bus stops away, a straight shot down the street where our flat is. We had taken the bus before, I'd shown her how to take it and where to get off (cab drivers in HK speak broken Chinese English and my grandmother speaks broken Korean English, and I feared they would never understand each other if she took a cab). I gave her my iPhone and told her I'd call her (she couldn't call me because the iPhone is way too complicated for her - switching it on, inputting a password to unlock, choosing the phone option, choosing the numberpad, etc.). But I realized at the office that I'd put my phone on silent the night before. I tried calling her 17 times, but she didn't answer. I realized that the bus doesn't always stop at every stop, so she might miscount and miss the stop, but then she'd be lost and have no way to call me. So I rushed back home and found her just as she was walking to the bus stop. She looked so relieved to see me, I knew I made the right call. Her physical and mental deterioration are utterly heartbreaking.

But worst of all, I find myself losing patience with her. I snap at her to just let me carry her things. I snap at her to just pick something out that she likes so I can get it for her. I snap at her that what does she mean she doesn't need nice things or have any place to wear them - she should just wear the nice things everyday. I tell her she needs to try to remember things harder.

As if my impatience will help her actually become stronger physically or more alert mentally. As if my impatience will stop time, or the heartbreaking effects of time. Even though in my heart I know the truth, part of me believes that if only she tries to remember harder, she will be able to stop the deterioration of her memory. Even though I know she insists on carrying stuff or not picking out a scarf or a bag because she's trying to reduce my burden, it angers me that in doing so, she refuses to let me reduce her burden. She's spent her entire life loving me, I wish she would just let me love her.

But what I really want is for her to stop aging, to stop deteriorating. Because it makes me face the very real fact that there will be a day when she is so deteriorated that she won't be herself at all anymore. And there will be a day when she's no longer with us. And that breaks my heart into a zillion pieces that can't really be put together again. And so, instead of telling her how much I love her, I snap at her to let me carry her stuff or pick out something nice I can buy her. Which is clearly not a healthy way to show love, but it's the only way I know how to express love in Korean. We didn't ever say "I love you" growing up. The way love was shown to me by my grandmother was by her constant acts of service. She'd do my laundry, fold my clothes, make me food I liked, nag me constantly and do things for me even when I told her not to. She'd sacrifice her time, her labor, her money, and she'd do it without a second thought. It's the Korean mother's way. And yet, when I try to return the favor, she refuses to let me do it. She knows how to love, but she's not used to being on the receiving end.