Lingering & Goodbyes

Two things I hate: lingering & goodbyes. Not only do I hate them, but I'm incredibly bad at them. And unfortunately, I'm forced to do a bit of both in my remaining days in Tokyo.

I'm not a fan of lingering. Once I make a decision about something, I move forward with my decision and rarely linger in the past or linger on regret. I hate lingering. And yet it feels like that's what I'm doing these last couple weeks in Tokyo. My heart, my mind, my soul have moved on from this city I hated and loved but called home for a year, yet my body is still here. I'm SO over this place. All I want to do is leave - I really don't care to socialize anymore, there's nothing else I want to see or explore, and I don't even want to try new restaurants. I'm literally just counting down the days and hours until I can head to SF and spend some quality time with my family and friends before taking off for our new adventure.

I'm horribly bad at goodbyes. I hate them and if I could, I would avoid them at all costs. The thing is, I guess I don't really see the point. If it's someone that really matters in your life, then it's not a goodbye because you will remain in each other's lives. It's more of a...I'll see you when I see you, but if that's the case, why is a "goodbye" necessary? And if it's not someone that really matters in your life, then again, why is a "goodbye" necessary? The only time I think goodbyes are necessary is when someone is dying, for obvious reasons. And so, I find myself hiding. Friends have contacted me about getting together for farewell dinners but if there's one more thing I hate, it's a party where I'm the center of attention. And then add on top of that the point of the party is to say "goodbye," something I despise...and well, I've been making excuses to stay in: I have to pack, I feel ill, there's too many things to take care of, etc.

And then I start feeling concerned that I'm being anti-social, and whether it's an emotional issue I need to deal with, or whether it's normal. And then on the subject of normal, is it normal to despise goodbyes so much? Is it normal to deal with things I despise by just avoiding them?

Eh. Being normal is overrated anyway.

***

Out of boredom from lingering in Tokyo (and avoiding social gatherings where goodbyes are required), I actually turned on my TV this weekend, something I've done only a handful of times since living in Tokyo. On the one English channel I have, there happened to be a Gossip Girl marathon this weekend and I'm officially hooked - I love, love, love the fashion, really can't get enough of Serena's amazing wardrobe and sense of style.