AHA!

My friend T took me out to dinner for a farewell last night and during our very long conversation about why I hate Japan so much, I inadvertently managed to pinpoint exactly why I think it's so difficult for a modern-day, raised-and-educated-in-the-West professional working woman to be happy in Japan. I don't know why it took me a year to be able to put it in understandable sociological terms.

I've never considered myself a feminist. Do I believe women are just as capable and just as smart and have just as much potential as men? Of course, except that I think that physically, men are often superior to women (for example, I always say that if I was in a burning building, I'd want a big, strong fireman to try to save me, not a woman, because men ARE generally capable of being bigger and stronger than women). However, I've never really felt that I've had to fight to be treated with at least the appearance of equality. That's because I grew up in the US during a post-feminist period. The generations before me fought for the right to be given equal opportunities as men so that by the time I was growing up, I was always told (by my teachers, my parents, society) that I was just as smart as any boy, that my opinion mattered just as much, and that I could be anything I wanted. I was never, EVER encouraged to make becoming a secretary my highest career goal or marrying a rich guy my highest life goal. I was encouraged to study hard, excel in school, pursue higher education. And I was never, EVER made to feel that doing so was un-feminine. I was never made to feel that being a strong woman with a capable brain and opinions of my own on everything from politics to stock picks made me any less of a woman. I was never made to feel that "feminine" is a one-dimensional definition that includes wearing an inch of makeup at all times, serving men, keeping elevator doors open for men, talking in a high pitched "kawaii" voice, not challenging men when they are wrong or stupid, accepting when men behave badly and overall accepting that my existence in life is to please men.

And then I came to Japan. And while Japan may be modern and efficient in many ways, it is very very backward in at least one way: Japan is a pre-feminist nation. But I am a post-feminist woman.

In a pre-feminist nation, it is NOT a sociological norm or a legally mandated construct that women must be given equal opportunities as men. It is not a sociological norm that men must respect women's opinions, or at least pretend to. Simply put, it's not a sociological norm that women are men's equals.

But in a post-feminist nation, the assumption is that women matter. While we haven't reached perfect equality yet, the sociological norm and often legally mandated construct requires people to try.

Perhaps if I was a feminist, I might enjoy the challenge of fighting for my rights in this utterly backward nation known as Japan. But I'm not. I'm a product of post-feminism. I PRESUME that society will treat me with some modicum of respect as an equal human being. I expect to be treated with the same respect a man would be treated with. I expect it, I assume it, I demand it. I don't want to FIGHT for it because to me, it's a foregone conclusion.

And so, it drives me up the wall when a junior male associate questions my authority. It makes me want to scream when a man talks down to me. And I hate feeling like less of a woman, or unfeminine, simply because I refuse to talk in a baby voice and instead use my normal voice or because I challenge a man when he says something that's wrong or because I don't dress or act like a Japanese girl. Deb in Japan is like a fish out of water.