Brain farts

I have a zillion things on my mind these days. Work, which all of a sudden picked up right before I am to take off for the holidays. Acceptable company antics in Japanese society, which leave me feeling...weirded out. Life as a foreign-but-Asian-looking-woman-in-Japan, which I could fill 100 blog posts about. Aging - I found five white hairs this weekend which catapulted me into worrying about aging, which I'm sure just added more white hairs to my head. My insane mother who makes the absolute worst life decisions in the history of the universe. How to best utilize my vacation days in 2010. Things I need to remember to do while I'm home for the holidays.

However, I haven't processed any of the above enough to put them down in writing yet.

But some random thoughts I've had in the couple days, in no particular order, and still in unprocessed form:

1. I feel like in Tokyo I am constantly looking for things to bring momentary happiness, or at least momentary forgetfulness of the real truth (which is that I am unhappy here). Lunches and dinners, nightly runs, activities to while away the hours. Anything that will bring me a jolt of laughter or fun or physical activity so that I forget how much I dislike this chauvinistic, repressive, oppressive, passive aggressive place.

2. This doesn't seem normal to me. One should be happy as a default, no? I have always said that one's own happiness is their foremost responsibility to society and mankind because if you are unhappy, you will make those around you unhappy. Yet I don't know how to make myself truly happy here. In fact, I think it's not possible for me to be truly happy here because...well because of everything. Because it is a chauvinistic, repressive, oppressive, passive aggressive place. Because my family and friends are far away. I think in order to regain true happiness, I need to get out of here, but that's not a realistic option for at least a few more months. And so...I run 7-10 km a day (5 km was not enough). I read. I make plans with people. And try to forget that deep down, I'm unhappy. And honestly, that's the best I can do.

3. Can friendships between men and women ever be truly 100% void of any sexual tension? I think absolutely not. I think there will always be at least a teeny amount of sexuality or sexual tension, but I think that's normal. Again, not a completely processed thought, so that's the extent of my thoughts on that subject.

4. How does one stop grey hairs from growing? How how how how how.

5. When do you use "domo" v. "arigato" v. "sumimasen" v. "arigato gozaimasu?

6. How come the 30,000 yen I had in my wallet on Friday is gone? Where did it go??

7. I love my new boots.

8. Yay, by the end of this week, I will be HOME SWEET HOME.

9. As I am writing this, I'm having an email dialogue with my friend T, who is basically telling me that the reason I am unhappy here is because I am trying to fit in, and that if I just stop trying to fit in and just be myself, I will be much happier. To that I responded: so I should just talk loudly, tell men that it's "ladies first" when they push forward to get in the elevator, eat on the street or subway whenever I feel like it, tell people to get out of my way and stop saying sumimasen 100,000 X a day? But then I'd be the one obnoxious loud American and everyone would think that I'm being rude or obnoxious. To which he replied: who cares what they think? At the end of the day, just make yourself happy and don't worry about being considerate or polite.

10. Hmm. This is a revelationary proposal. Just ignore all the rules and do whatever I want? Yes indeed, who cares what they think? Why do I care whether they think I am loud or obnoxious or inconsiderate? I'm gonna have to try this approach when I get back from home. When I return to the Matrix.