The Rules

The thing about the social rules in Japan is that there are like a zillion of them. The other thing about the social rules in Japan is that they aren't really written down anywhere - I'm not sure but I don't think there is catch-all Idiot's Guide to Japanese Etiquette. But there should be. The last thing about the social rules in Japan is that most people won't tell you if you are breaking them - they will just think to themselves: what an uncivilized gaijin. Or so I think.

The only person who really tells me I'm breaking pretty much every single rule of social etiquette is my friend T, which is how I know he is a real friend. Because after I break apart my chopsticks they way I normally do, he'll say: "um just so you know, in Japan you're supposed to hold them horizontally in front of you and break them up, not sideways. You know, so you don't hit anyone." Or when I eat sushi with chopsticks and dip the bottom (the rice) in soy sauce, he'll say: "um just so you know, the proper way to eat sushi in Japan is with your fingers, and only the fish should go in the soy sauce, never the rice."

Basically, every time I meet with T, I learn of another social rule I've been breaking for the last 2 months and I wonder: how come no one corrected me before?? How come they just let me continue in my gaijin ignorance - i.e. obliviously breaking etiquette rules left and right?

So a quick rundown of the unspoken rules of etiquette in Japan I've learned so far:
- at a restaurant, after you use the hot towel they give you to wipe your hands, you should generally roll it back up (I'm told people with class do this)
- sushi is eaten with your fingers, not chopsticks
- only the fish side of the sushi gets dipped in soy sauce
- don't pour too much soy sauce into your dish (generally, don't waste food)
- you don't mix wasabi in soy sauce - the wasabi under the fish is your alotted amount and it's rude to the chef to add more (however, I still break this rule because I like to have enough wasabi to make my eyes water)
- eat all your rice (actually, eat all your food in general)
- never eat, drink or smoke while walking in public. If you absolutely must consume, find a place to sit or stand.
- no talking on the subway
- make sure your phone is on silent on the subway. If it rings while you are on the subway, people will look at you like you are an alien. Also, if it does ring, NEVER ever pick it up
- stand to the left on the escalator
- if you go on a trip, it is generally expected that you will bring back a small gift for those people you work with (or everyone on your floor, or God forbid, everyone in your office) - so if you go to Okinawa, you should bring back the local snack of Okinawa, etc. Pretty much every other day I get a small cookie or cracker or chocolate from someone - usually something Japanese from another region, but once it was gim (Korean style seaweed) from Seoul and another time it was peanuts from Indonesia.
- in a business meeting or at a restaurant, the most honored guest always sits farthest away from the door and also faces the door so he/she can see who comes and goes. The lowest person (i.e. the peon) sits closest to the door so that in the event something is needed, he/she can run out and get whatever is needed quickly
- the most honored person gets in the taxi first (taxis in Japan only open on the left side). The peon sits in the front if there are 4 people in a cab
- women should not cross their legs in front of men in a business meeting
- when you arrive at a restaurant, the most honored person always chooses his seat first
- women should not cross their legs at restaurants where you have to sit on the ground - meaning, you have to fold your legs and sit on top of them...which means after about 10 minutes you will not be able to get up because they will have fallen asleep
- when you are leaving someone's office or a meeting, you should always walk out facing everyone (so walk out backwards) - it is rude to turn your back to people
- you must accept people's business cards with both hands, look on both sides, spend a lot of time looking at it and appear really interested
- if you are at a business meeting and you receive a bunch of business cards, you should lay them all out in front of you, with the most senior person's at the top, then down in order of seniority. How the hell you are supposed to know all their rankings, I have no idea.
- if you enter an elevator or an office or a space where people are present, you should always say "shitsureishimasu" which means, "excuse me, I'm going to be rude." You should also say this as you leave said office or space.
- you should never ever greet your own family with "konnichiwa" - it is only used for friends and strangers. But in the office setting, your co-workers are "family" so you should never greet them with konnichiwa either. An appropriate greeting during the afternoon is "the weather is [nice][horrible], isn't it?"