Bittersweet

definition: pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret

The word doesn't exactly describe the complexity of emotions I am feeling as my move date to Tokyo approaches but I can't think of a better English description. I feel at once excited, sad, anxious, miss my friends & family & home & SF, regret already all the moments I will miss in my friends' lives - the shared meals and laughter and all the moments, small and big, that can't be replicated, even as I am excited and a little bit thrilled about the chance to live in Tokyo for a while. I worry about something happening to my grandmother while I am away and my not being able to do anything to help. I miss the life I knew - my old job, my old coworkers and friends, living in the city. I miss living in my condo and worry that my tenants will not take care of it the way I would. I worry whether I will be able to find girlfriends in Tokyo as fabulous and wonderful as the ones I have in the States. I worry whether I will be able to deal with the extremely male-dominated chauvinistic social mores. I'm glad I'll be a hop away from my dad, especially since he's going through serious health issues. I worry about the cost of living in Tokyo. I'm excited about all the exquisite things I will eat. I'm excited about traveling all over Japan, learning Japanese and spending more time throughout Asia. And I'm anxious/worried about what will happen with El Hombre.

I guess that's the elephant in the room that I keep trying to ignore. As if if I don't fully consider the very possible possibility that things may end between us, then the possibility doesn't exist. If I ignore it, it's not there.

And yet, of course it's there. It pervades every interaction, every conversation, every moment we share these days. Thick, dark, gloomy. There's such a...weight to our relationship these days, so markedly different from the light-as-air, happy days we shared in the beginning when the world was ours, love was easy and carefree - a gift, not a responsibility. The days when we could spend hours just staring at each other and smiling. Those days are so rare now.

That's the magic of the initial period of infatuation/love. The lightness. The overwhelming overflowing feelings of happiness at just being together. The falling in love process...it's so magical. It's one of my favorite stages of love. But so are all the other stages, including the heavy stages, the ones that require...for lack of a better English phrase, taking responsibility for someone. By which I mean...factoring someone into your life and life decisions. It's a difficult thing to do, to think about someone else. Especially when you're so used to thinking only about yourself, your wants, your needs. It's the heavy side of love, so opposite from the feeling of lightness of falling in love, yet to me, it's when real love begins. Feeling giddy and being happy...it's wonderful, but also so easy. It's how you deal with the hard decisions - the ones that have weight - that show the depth and width of the love.

Not that I'm not thankful for my life, because I am extremely thankful to the powers that be for the experiences and opportunities I've had, but as some of my closest friends start to get engaged, married or start families while my own relationship, which at one point seemed so secure and wonderful and perfect, faces its make-or-break point, I can't help but wonder if it's just not my palja (lot in life) to have a happy, easy relationship-which-leads-to-marriage-which-leads-to-family. Sometimes I think love really should be as simple and easy as "I love you, you love me, let's promise to be together forever." But these days there are so many other things to consider - I love you, you love me, what do you want in life?, what do you want to do next?, where do you want to live?, do our families get along?, is the timing right?, does your path run parallel to my path?....