Tears for Fears

It's easy to be happy and merry when things are happy and merry. It's much harder to be happy and merry when your life seems to be turned upside down and out of your control. People deal with their emotions in different ways - some people wear their heart on their sleeves, some people have the gift of pinpointing exactly what is upsetting them and dealing with the issue head on, some people withdraw, some people act out.

I don't know exactly where I fall. Probably not at all under the "heart-on-sleeve" category but a bit of everything else. Very few people have ever seen me actually upset or lose it. I rarely cry in public or even in front of friends except at sad movies. I'm not good at asking for a shoulder to cry on, or even using one when it is offered to me. Sometimes I think I'm physically incapable of allowing myself to be vulnerable to others. Poor El Hombre is probably the only person who has had to endure some of my emotional outbursts and breakdowns regarding my recent situation, some of which don't make any sense and really have nothing to do with what is actually upsetting me.

The last couple months have been mentally and emotionally exhausting. For the first time in a long time, I truly felt at a loss as to how I should proceed, uncertain about my future, scared, helpless. It's not a feeling I wish on anyone, ever. I went through so much self-doubt and unpredictable bouts of pure helplessness. I break down and cry almost every other day lately - not so much because I'm sad but because I feel so freaking overwhelmed by everything that crying just helps me feel better. Sometimes a good hard sob just makes you feel better. Tears as a replacement for fears.

Recently things have worked out in a way that seems, on the surface, positive. People congratulate me, tell me my next step will be fun and exciting. And I'm thankful for the well wishes and support. And I do think that it will be fun and exciting. But I also feel like my life is generally out of my control and that scares me. I don't feel like I'm living life on my terms, although I do recognize that to expect that is perhaps presumptuous and asking too much. The thought of leaving my life here, which I love - my family, my friends, everything I know and spent the last 5 years building...it makes me indescribably sad. The knowledge that my future with El Hombre is up in the air...makes my chest feel painfully tight. I feel like I'm underwater, grasping for air.

I'm tired of people telling me I'm a survivor. That I'm handling everything well. I'm tired of surviving things, I'm tired of handling things, I'm tired of being expected to handle things well and make the best of it. All I really want is for someone to tell me, promise me, that everything will be ok. That they will make sure everything is ok.