This is my truth: figuring out who this Jesus really is is not all that easy.
First, there's the years of church indoctrination I received throughout my formative years - and it is so, so difficult to break free of old habits and old ways of thinking. But I've just recently read the Bible from end to end for the first time in probably 15+ years, and this Jesus fellow - well, he's NOTHING like the judgmental God that was taught to me by the churches I went to growing up. What I've realized is that many Korean churches mix up their own version of Old Testament God, Jesus, Confucianism, Korean guilt, patriarchy, and filial piety into their own religion. And I have NO interest in that, whatsoever. Seriously, nothing scares me in this life as much as cockroaches, sharks and Korean churches.
Then there's the fact that the gospels were written years after Jesus actually walked the earth. Decades. And if I can't even remember accurately what happened last week, how are people supposed to remember accurately what happened decades ago? And the gospels omit so much of Jesus' life - like almost his entire life. He's born, and then he's a grown man preaching love and forgiveness, then he's crucified, comes back then disappears. What happened during the 30 or so odd years in between? And what happened during the 40 days he lived again after his resurrection? We know he appeared to the disciples and a few others, but what was he doing during the rest of his days?
Then there's the whole problem of the Old Testament. Jesus, that is some scary stuff. God routinely wipes out the the face of the planet, or at least parts of it, when he is angered by people's sin. How can that scary God be the same being as the loving, forgiving and gentle Jesus in the New Testament? (and how can people live without Jesus? The overwhelming thought I had after reading the Bible was the unwavering belief that the world needs Jesus. Otherwise, we are ALL FUCKED. And I'm not even talking about heaven and hell, but life right here on earth.)
And so. Working out faith, to me, means that the Bible gives an outline of who Jesus is, but the rest can only be sought out through seeking him out through prayer, through seeing him in others (and I don't mean other Christians, but all human beings, because I believe that God made man in his own image, and so each human being - Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, atheist, agnostic, etc. - reflects a piece of God), and through his revealing himself to us in our lives and in our hearts.
But here's another truth (for me): it's really hard to continue to feel the presence of Jesus sometimes. I get busy. I get tired. I get annoyed. In Singapore, sometimes I just get too hot.
Also, how do you know if the voice in your heart is Jesus, or if it's just you, being crazy? I think sometimes that voice really is Jesus, and sometimes it's just our own voice. Sometimes it's hard to discern. So in those times I try to sift it out by asking whether the voice is consistent with what I know about Jesus and the two greatest rules he gave us: Love God, and love others. If it's not, it's probably my own voice.
I'm still struggling to throw away everything I thought I knew about Jesus. It will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life, probably. I grew up believing that God only loved the saints, not the sinners. But Jesus came for the sinners, not the saints. And actually, the truth is: saints, sinners, same same. Because there are no saints, only sinners.
People (including myself) look for miracles as proof of God. Sometimes we're so busy looking for miracles that we miss it. The miracle is this: Grace.
Religion still gives me the weird heebie jeebies. I find the whole "accepting Jesus into your heart" a little contrived. And it really makes me uncomfortable when "Christians" take refuge in some sort of misconception that they are saved while the rest of the world will go to hell, as if Jesus loves them more than others. No, I don't think that's the message of Jesus AT ALL. Jesus died for ALL sinners. He forgives us, all of us. The hardest part is forgiving yourself. I don't know what I think about the afterlife yet, but I have a feeling that heaven and hell are nothing like the constructs that people give to them. I think "hell" is living on this earth without forgiving yourself. That's the biggest hell, and that's what Jesus wants to release us from. He's already released us - the hardest part is releasing ourselves, by forgiving ourselves and forgiving others.
First, there's the years of church indoctrination I received throughout my formative years - and it is so, so difficult to break free of old habits and old ways of thinking. But I've just recently read the Bible from end to end for the first time in probably 15+ years, and this Jesus fellow - well, he's NOTHING like the judgmental God that was taught to me by the churches I went to growing up. What I've realized is that many Korean churches mix up their own version of Old Testament God, Jesus, Confucianism, Korean guilt, patriarchy, and filial piety into their own religion. And I have NO interest in that, whatsoever. Seriously, nothing scares me in this life as much as cockroaches, sharks and Korean churches.
Then there's the fact that the gospels were written years after Jesus actually walked the earth. Decades. And if I can't even remember accurately what happened last week, how are people supposed to remember accurately what happened decades ago? And the gospels omit so much of Jesus' life - like almost his entire life. He's born, and then he's a grown man preaching love and forgiveness, then he's crucified, comes back then disappears. What happened during the 30 or so odd years in between? And what happened during the 40 days he lived again after his resurrection? We know he appeared to the disciples and a few others, but what was he doing during the rest of his days?
Then there's the whole problem of the Old Testament. Jesus, that is some scary stuff. God routinely wipes out the the face of the planet, or at least parts of it, when he is angered by people's sin. How can that scary God be the same being as the loving, forgiving and gentle Jesus in the New Testament? (and how can people live without Jesus? The overwhelming thought I had after reading the Bible was the unwavering belief that the world needs Jesus. Otherwise, we are ALL FUCKED. And I'm not even talking about heaven and hell, but life right here on earth.)
And so. Working out faith, to me, means that the Bible gives an outline of who Jesus is, but the rest can only be sought out through seeking him out through prayer, through seeing him in others (and I don't mean other Christians, but all human beings, because I believe that God made man in his own image, and so each human being - Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, atheist, agnostic, etc. - reflects a piece of God), and through his revealing himself to us in our lives and in our hearts.
But here's another truth (for me): it's really hard to continue to feel the presence of Jesus sometimes. I get busy. I get tired. I get annoyed. In Singapore, sometimes I just get too hot.
Also, how do you know if the voice in your heart is Jesus, or if it's just you, being crazy? I think sometimes that voice really is Jesus, and sometimes it's just our own voice. Sometimes it's hard to discern. So in those times I try to sift it out by asking whether the voice is consistent with what I know about Jesus and the two greatest rules he gave us: Love God, and love others. If it's not, it's probably my own voice.
I'm still struggling to throw away everything I thought I knew about Jesus. It will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life, probably. I grew up believing that God only loved the saints, not the sinners. But Jesus came for the sinners, not the saints. And actually, the truth is: saints, sinners, same same. Because there are no saints, only sinners.
People (including myself) look for miracles as proof of God. Sometimes we're so busy looking for miracles that we miss it. The miracle is this: Grace.
Religion still gives me the weird heebie jeebies. I find the whole "accepting Jesus into your heart" a little contrived. And it really makes me uncomfortable when "Christians" take refuge in some sort of misconception that they are saved while the rest of the world will go to hell, as if Jesus loves them more than others. No, I don't think that's the message of Jesus AT ALL. Jesus died for ALL sinners. He forgives us, all of us. The hardest part is forgiving yourself. I don't know what I think about the afterlife yet, but I have a feeling that heaven and hell are nothing like the constructs that people give to them. I think "hell" is living on this earth without forgiving yourself. That's the biggest hell, and that's what Jesus wants to release us from. He's already released us - the hardest part is releasing ourselves, by forgiving ourselves and forgiving others.
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