Hard words

Can you imagine telling your own mother not to come to your wedding? What kind of terrible child would do such a thing, right? I told my mom yesterday that I don't want her at my wedding. It was one of the most heart-wrenching and painful things I've ever done - there's no nice way to do it, feelings will get hurt. Few people will ever understand - truly understand - how or why I would do such a thing. My little brother. El Hombre. That might be it.

I think a lot of people - the lucky people - grow up and realize how great their mom was. Because their mom loved them unconditionally. I'm not one of those people. I spent my adolescence and college years trying to love my mom despite the fact that she basically gave up being my mom when it was inconvenient for her; my law school years trying to save her from herself (she's constantly making the worst life and business decisions ever); and the years since simultaneously worrying about her yet slowly pulling away. There was a point in time when I realized that she is a grown adult and I am not responsible for her decisions or her happiness. There was a clear break in our relationship about two years ago when she was about to make a crazy bad decision and I implored, begged and pleaded with her to be rationale, to see reason - and instead, she hung up on me, stopped taking my calls and got angry at me for not being supportive. Unfortunately I ended up being right about the situation and she was heartbroken and a bit embarrassed, but not once did she apologize to me for how she acted towards me when I was trying to protect her. Since then, our relationship has consisted of 2 or 3 emails a year where I wish her happy birthday or merry christmas. For the record, she forgot my birthday this year, the third or fourth time she's done so.

The most complicated relationship I have is the one I have with my mother. I love her. I don't respect her. I feel betrayed by her. I want the best for her, but I want nothing to do with her life. I want to know from afar that she is fine, but I don't ever want to have to see or talk to her. I want her to find a man that loves her, but I don't want to meet him. I want her to be successful, but I want nothing from her, ever. But mostly, I have nothing left to give her. I guess the cold but honest truth is: I don't want her in my life.

There's only one thing I've ever wanted or asked of my mom: for her to be a mother to me. I think that she probably was one - maybe even a good one - from the time I was born to when I turned 8. But since the day my parents got divorced, I haven't had a mother. And too bad for her, I really can't remember anything before that time.

What I have had is a needy, emotional, selfish, reckless person who wants to do whatever she wants all the time, but then wants her children to love and respect her unconditionally and be happy about our relationship, when in fact, she is the one that irrevocably broke it - not with one unforgiveable incident, but with too many to count. How many times can a child be disappointed and let down by their mother and still be willing to give their mother a chance? I don't know, but it's not unlimited. It is a finite number, and my mom passed it awhile ago.

After I sent my mom an email telling her that I didn't want her to attend, clearly iterating that I want the best for her and I want her to be happy, but on my wedding day, I don't want any drama or tears and if she comes, I think there will be (because on the two previous "biggest days" of my life - my college and law school graduations, she turned what should have been two momentous, happy days into the two most stressful, saddest, and upsetting days of my entire life), she wrote me a very long rambling email basically accusing me of being a terrible daughter: I don't call her, I don't visit her, I don't respect her as a mother, I don't think about things from her perspective, I'm selfish, do I even know how hard her life has been as a divorced woman, etc.

Which to me only reconfirmed that I most definitely do not want her at my wedding. First of all, she ignored a lot of things I said in the email (such as: I want her to be happy, I wish for the best for her, I pray for her happiness) and accused me of wanting her to be miserable, of only being happy when she is unhappy. Second, she blames me for being a bad daughter (for not visiting or calling) but refuses to think about WHY I might not want to visit her - all the ways she has hurt me, failed me or let me down. She also forgets that I'm the one that remembers her birthday and sends her a gift or a card, while she forgets mine time and time again. But mostly, the letter she wrote me was just all about HER. How sad and embarrassing it is for her not to be invited to her own daughter's wedding. How hard her life is. How her kids seem to not care about her. How we fail her as children. It was basically one big pity party. I think my wedding is the one time I am allowed to make it about MY happiness. Yet my mom's response was all about her, which further proved to me that it will be much better if she is not present.

My mom is the kind of mom that buys herself a new Mercedes every year, but wouldn't help me with a dime of college or law school. She's the kind of mom who forgets both her kids' birthdays, more than once. She's the kind of mom who will easily give her heart and her money to a man who tells her he loves her and then swindles her out of her money, but will get mad at her children when they try to protect her.

My mom always has and always will do whatever she wants, with zero regard for how it will affect me or my brother. But then she has the audacity to want us to be supportive of her decisions, to forget the fact that she might have just stabbed us in the back, and revere her as a good mother. As a child, I tried. But as an adult, I just don't have it in me anymore. I don't have a relationship with my mother simply because my life is much happier without her in it.

I want my wedding to be a day of happiness, full of love and laughter, with the people who make my life beautiful. I feel terrible about hurting my mom's feelings by not inviting her, but I won't let her ruin my day - not this day.