Relationship dogma

Coming from divorced parents (and generally, a family rife with divorces and separations), I grew up fairly cynical about whether love can last. However, being the closet hopeless romantic I am, I've always believed that true, lasting love does exist and is possible and that no one should ever settle for less. I've spent many years trying to figure out why successful relationships are successful and why failed relationships fail. And from my observations of various relationships around me throughout many years, good and bad, successful and not, I've reached a few conclusions on the recipe to a healthy, happy, long-lasting relationship.

1) The man must ADORE the woman. ADORE HER. Period.

2) The man must never lose faith in the relationship.

Let me explain.

1) Adoration: if a woman feels adored by her man, she will exude, overflow with happiness and love and that happiness and love will flow to everything and everyone around her - her man, her family, her friends, her children, her work, life in general. She will become the happiest, best version of herself simply because of her man's love and adoration for her - because that love and adoration makes her feel confident and unstoppable, she will be confident and unstoppable. And simply because she feels so loved, she will treat the man like a king because to her, he is her king. When a woman feels loved and happy, the sun shines a little bit brighter, the world is a little bit happier. And whether they know it or not, men hold the keys to women's happiness. It's very simple: just adore her, pure and simple. The best public example of this is Heidi Klum and Seal. People may wonder how Seal (who is mildly successful and decent looking but certainly nowhere near the megastar and megabeauty status of Heidi Klum) got (and manages to keep) Heidi Klum but it's really this simple: HE ADORES HER. And she glows in his adoration. His undying love and adoration for her makes her exuberantly happy and confident and that happiness overflows to everything and everyone around her, including back to him. She will give the love back to him many many times over and everyone is happy. Love/adoration is the gift that keeps on giving. There's a song I learned way back in Sunday school that goes: "love is something if you give it away, give it away. Love is something if you give it away, you end up having more. It's just like a magic penny, hold on tight and you won't have any. Lend it spend it and you'll have so many, they'll roll all over the floor." These words are so true - and very simply, the love begins with the man. If a man showers his woman with love, that love overflows out of her back to him and to everyone around her.

2) Faith: As sexist as it may sound, the reality is that the man sets the tone of the relationship - he must always have the utmost faith in the relationship and never lose that faith. Or even if he starts doubting, he must never let on to the woman that he is losing faith in the relationship because if she feels that he is losing faith, then she will lose faith and from there it's just a downward spiral. Why is it the man's job to keep the faith? Because a woman's faith in the relationship comes from two sources: 1) her belief that the man adores her and 2) her belief that the man believes in the relationship. Thus, if you falter on either of those fronts - adoration of her and faith in the relationship - she will start feeling unhappy, doubtful and a whole slew of other negative feelings. And when the woman is unhappy, the man is unhappy, because just as contagious as a woman's happiness is a woman's unhappiness.

So I realize that this all sounds a little bit sexist. Why must it start with the man? Does the woman have no volition? Why can't it work in reverse?

Although feminists and gender egalitarians may disagree with me, the simple truth is that men and women are different. Very, very different. Our human emotional/psychological makeup and needs are just simply different from each other and it's our emotional/psychological makeups that require the adoration to flow initially from the man to the woman. Just imagine if a woman found a man she thought was amazing and started showering him with adoration. That man would be scared off in a second. He would run, sprint away thinking that the woman was obsessed, smothering him and had stalker tendencies. If the formula starts with a woman adoring the man, the result (in most cases, not all) will not be successful. So call it nature, biological determinism, whatever you will. The simple truth is that because of the emotional/psychological makeups of men and women, the adoration must first flow from the man to the woman. But before male readers start thinking that that sounds burdensome, keep in mind that in reality, if you give a little, you will reap so much more in return. Women are basically human vaults with untapped love potential ready to burst at the seams and all you need to do is open the door to that vault. It's really the best return on investment ever. For every ounce of adoration you give to your woman, she will exude 1000 times the love and happiness in return - not just to you but to everyone around her. And there's nothing as contagious as a woman's exuberant happiness. So if a man does the simple task of making his woman happy, that happiness returns back to him and spreads to everyone around her and the world is a better place. My wise padre said once that the secret to a man's happiness is making sure his woman his happy.

As many of my friends and peers go through the various stages of the dating scene, get engaged or married, sustain a happy marriage, break up, or break up and make up, I've observed many go through everything from heartbreak, ecstatic happiness, insecurity, doubt, certainty...the whole gamut of emotions. And when I observe those friends that are truly and lastingly happy in their relationships, I've noticed the same traits. Among my female friends, those that are in happy relationships have two things in common: they are absolutely adored by their partners and they have utter faith in the relationship because their partners give them no reason to doubt. And among my male friends, those that are in happy relationships have two things in common: they are with a girl who they think is the greatest thing since sliced bread and they adore the girl to death. And conversely, females I know who are not happy are usually not happy because either a) they don't feel adored by their partners or b) they don't have faith in the relationship. And males I know who are not happy are unhappy because a) they are with a girl they don't think is the bombass shit or b) their girlfriend is unhappy.

So in my humble opinion, the most (and really, only) successful plan for a healthy, happy, enduring relationship is the following:

1) A man must find a woman he thinks is the supershit - a woman he thinks is the whole package (for him) in terms of brains, personality, looks, chemistry, but also whom he realistically has a chance of getting to like him back. The reason is because unless the man thinks the woman is the supershit, he won't be able to get to step 2, which is adoration. You can only adore someone if you think they are the bomb diggity, awesomeness in its purest form.

2) The man must adore the woman. Always. And not just adore her secretly but do whatever it takes to let her know that she is adored. This will differ from woman to woman and the secret to that equation, I think, is figuring out which of the five love languages (http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html) she speaks/needs. The five love languages are: i) words of affirmation - verbal affirmations such as "you look beautiful" or "you're the only woman for me" or "you rock my world"; ii) quality time - not just spending time together but spending quality time really connecting or doing things they enjoy together; iii) gifts - some people need visual symbols of love; iv) acts of service - doing things for the other person, as simple as washing the dishes or cooking dinner or any other gesture that shows love, but it's important that the act of service is done out of love, not grudgingly or out of obligation; v) physical touch. Most people don't just need one of the love languages - it can be some or all of the various languages, but both people in the relationship need to figure out the love languages that the other responds to/needs and make the effort to speak those languages.

3) The man must never lose faith in the relationship. And he must do whatever it takes to make sure the woman doesn't lose faith in the relationship which simply requires the man to observe steps 2 and 3 at all times: adore her and don't lose faith in the relationship.

I suppose the above is the man's guide, so here is the corollary for women:

1) Find a man who thinks you are awesomeness in every way. Why do I not say: find a man YOU think is awesomeness in every way? Because from what I can tell, it's not so important how great the man is. Don't get me wrong, the man can't be a bum or a loser. But as long as the man meets very basic minimums - i.e. not physically repulsive, decent education/job, decent personality, etc., a woman will be willing to overlook any deficiencies if he showers her with pure, unadulterated adoration. What's important to a man when it comes to a woman is: physical attraction, personality, physical attraction, wit, physical attraction, physical attraction and physical attraction. What's important to a woman when it comes to a man, whether womankind will admit or not, is how great his love is for you. Let me explain: let's return to the example of Heidi Klum and Seal. Why does it work? Because he thinks she is the best thing that ever happened to him. Seal is ok in his own right, but I'm sure 99% of people will agree that he is nowhere near Heidi Klum in terms of beauty, star status, wealth, power, etc. But I promise you that 99% of women envy Heidi Klum, probably more than men envy Seal. Do women envy Heidi because Seal is so hot and we wish we could have him instead? No, silly. Women envy Heidi because they wish they could be adored by a man the way Heidi is adored by Seal.

2) If you find a man who you connect with and who adores you, remember how incredibly lucky you are and never take your man for granted. Shower him with love, because men need love too, maybe even more than women. Make him feel needed and wanted. Adore him back, pure and simple.

3) Don't overanalyze every little thing he says or does, or doesn't say or do. This is probably most women's biggest downfall - being oversensitive and overanalyzing every little thing. Women, try to stay rational at all times and not become emotional hypochondriacs. Men, be forgiving of your women because women can't help themselves - our hormones are raging and imbalanced most of the time.

That's Deb's dogma for the day.