Of conviction and other things

I often half-joke that I look for signs from God for certainty about...stuff, but the truth is that the strongest sign of anything is the conviction you feel in your heart about something. It's what moves you to decide between which college you should go to, which job offer you should take, whether to bet on red or black...which is not to say that you are always right. Sometimes you might place your bet on red with the strongest conviction you've ever felt and the ball lands on black. That's not necessarily representative of life...that's just the odds working against you. But gambling aside, with big decisions in life, the conviction you feel that you are making the right decision is really the only "sign" that matters because I think when it comes down to it, you are the master of your destiny - within the limitations of the choices presented to you, that is. I think God presents us with certain opportunities, but what we do with those opportunities is our doing. We have free will, which makes us responsible for the decisions we make in life. Deep down, I believe that to attribute the course of one's life to fate is irresponsible and slightly delusional. Because you can live your life letting things happen to you, or you can live your life making things happen.

But sometimes you truly feel at a loss because you don't have conviction one way or the other. You know what you want, or what you feel you want, but the obstacles between the desire and achieving that desire make it seem impossible. What I want = conviction. Obstacle to achieving that want = shaking of conviction. And it's at these times that I utterly feel like I don't know what to do. And I beg God to give me a sign, so I can know the right thing to do. It'd be easiest if it was something obvious, like if I woke up one morning and found instructions on the ceiling or if there was an email from God that said: "Do _____."

But ultimately I know that's a cop out. Because it's a form of letting things happen to me, instead of making things happen. I think if you really want something and believe it's worth fighting for, you fight for it. I sincerely believe that where there is a will, there is a way. I haven't always been right and I haven't always been successful, but that doesn't stop me from believing and fighting for what I want again and again, each time with complete determination and without letting previous disappointments cloud my hope. I'd rather regret fighting for what I want and losing than regret having given up without a fight at all - a modified version of one of my life mottos: I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Dance like no one is watching
Love like you've never been hurt
Sing like no one is listening
Live like it's heaven on earth