Negotiating with the Big Man

Almost a month later, I'm in a much better place mentally, emotionally and physically than I was at the beginning of this whole miscarriage journey.

I think for me the hardest part was actually spiritual. I went through a lot of: "WTF, God?", "Why can't you just give me this one thing that I've wanted for so long, HUH? HUH?? ARE YOU LISTENING GOD?!", "Fine, I get that you have your own plan. BUT IT BETTER BE GOOD and it BETTER INCLUDE A HEALTHY FULL-TERM BABY FOR US SOON", "If you make me go through this again, I will not forgive you."

Even with faith, I think there's a difference between mentally believing that God has a plan, and that it's good, and emotionally trusting it. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24) and all that jazz.

There's also a difference between knowing mentally that this is not the end of the world, it's not the saddest thing to have happened in the history of mankind and that there are people who have gone through or are going through much, much worse, and feeling like in fact, you are the saddest person in the world and honestly, you don't care if there's worse stuff going on out there because your sad, broken heart is too sad to be magnanimous at this particular moment thank you very much.

I'm still struggling to understand why God does some things. Lately I've been asking why there are miscarriages at all. What a sad phenomenon. Why give couples that hope, then snatch it away? 

Most common among my daily conversation with God though has been a negotiation of sorts. Something along the lines of: "Ok God, I don't understand why this happened but I will try to accept it without bitterness and move on and I will still try to be a loving, forgiving person (or at least, less of an asshole), but YOU BETTER GIVE ME A HEALTHY FULL-TERM BABY soon. Ok? Deal?"

Of course there's been no audible answer. I imagine God laughing bemusedly at my small-minded humanity.