I really knew very little about miscarriages before this experience. For one, I didn't know that they can take such a long time. I found out 10 days ago that I was likely going to miscarry. It had been 5 days since my last blood test and my HCG levels only doubled during the 5 days (normally they should double every 48 hours during early pregnancy). And yet the level itself was still high and within range of a viable baby. So my doctor made me wait 2 days to take another blood test. That was a very long 48 hours. It's a special kind of stress and grief not knowing whether your embryo is going to live or not. The blood tests 2 days later, plus an ultrasound, confirmed that this was very unlikely to be a viable pregnancy. Still, it wasn't CERTAIN, because there was a gestational sac with a yolksac, and the HCG levels had gone up - very very minimally, but still up, which meant the embryo was still living, not on its way to shedding yet. It wasn't until my next ultrasound, 5 days later, that it was confirmed for sure that I am miscarrying. The embryo wasn't growing at all. And yet it was still perfectly in tact in my uterus. I burst into tears when I saw it.
I asked my doctor why this was happening - scientifically, that is (not existentially). He explained that it wasn't possible to pinpoint exactly why but it was likely due to chromosomal defects, which affect about 1 in 5 pregnancies, with the rates increasing as the woman gets older. But he also said that I shouldn't lose hope because I have a good chance of getting pregnant again, and that at least now I know I CAN get pregnant. And it's true, there is some marginal comfort in knowing that.
There are so many awkward things about miscarriage (the chief one being that you're not supposed to talk about it so women have to carry their grief in secret. What a load of bullshit and probably a taboo started by a man. I am of the very strong opinion that society needs to change the way it thinks about miscarriage - women should be free to talk about it openly because having to hide something makes you feel like there is shame involved, the workplace should recognize it as a loss in the family and provide bereavement leave), but one of them is that it doesn't always happen right away.
I'm still waiting to miscarry. I know this little seed will not make it to a fully developed human being, but it's still on its journey to completely dying and exiting my body. And that is another type of excruciating limbo. There's a part of me that thinks it's POSSIBLE my doctor is wrong and that there will be a miracle and this baby will live. And so I still observe normal pregnancy cautions - I take my prenatals, eat lots of folic acid rich veggies, avoid raw fish and soft cheese and cured meats and abstain from drinking. Then there's a part of me that wants it out of me NOW so I can have closure and move on with my life. I feel crazy, sad and bewildered being in this strange state.
When you know you are carrying life, it is a special, amazing secret that fills you with wonder and mystery and joy. What a privilege and a miracle. Maternal instincts kicked in immediately for me - I became so AWARE that I was this baby's vessel and that I was responsible for keeping it healthy and alive. There was a subtle yet noticeable difference in my tastebuds. While I didn't have any major aversions or cravings, the foods I used to love eating no longer seemed delicious to me. I developed a liking for chamomile tea (which I have always hated because it smells like perfume to me) and strangely started wanting to eat cocoa krispie cereal (I have never even tasted it before and I normally hate chocolate flavored things). I also saw and felt changes in my body. I started having dizzy spells when I got up from sitting. I developed random bumps/hives all over my body, which was not pleasant. But all of it was ok, I accepted it as part of pregnancy.
I still have itchy bumps all over my arms and thighs, but now it makes me annoyed and angry because why the heck do I have to suffer through the negative effects of pregnancy if I'm not even going to get a baby?
There should be a word for the state of waiting to miscarry.
I asked my doctor why this was happening - scientifically, that is (not existentially). He explained that it wasn't possible to pinpoint exactly why but it was likely due to chromosomal defects, which affect about 1 in 5 pregnancies, with the rates increasing as the woman gets older. But he also said that I shouldn't lose hope because I have a good chance of getting pregnant again, and that at least now I know I CAN get pregnant. And it's true, there is some marginal comfort in knowing that.
There are so many awkward things about miscarriage (the chief one being that you're not supposed to talk about it so women have to carry their grief in secret. What a load of bullshit and probably a taboo started by a man. I am of the very strong opinion that society needs to change the way it thinks about miscarriage - women should be free to talk about it openly because having to hide something makes you feel like there is shame involved, the workplace should recognize it as a loss in the family and provide bereavement leave), but one of them is that it doesn't always happen right away.
I'm still waiting to miscarry. I know this little seed will not make it to a fully developed human being, but it's still on its journey to completely dying and exiting my body. And that is another type of excruciating limbo. There's a part of me that thinks it's POSSIBLE my doctor is wrong and that there will be a miracle and this baby will live. And so I still observe normal pregnancy cautions - I take my prenatals, eat lots of folic acid rich veggies, avoid raw fish and soft cheese and cured meats and abstain from drinking. Then there's a part of me that wants it out of me NOW so I can have closure and move on with my life. I feel crazy, sad and bewildered being in this strange state.
When you know you are carrying life, it is a special, amazing secret that fills you with wonder and mystery and joy. What a privilege and a miracle. Maternal instincts kicked in immediately for me - I became so AWARE that I was this baby's vessel and that I was responsible for keeping it healthy and alive. There was a subtle yet noticeable difference in my tastebuds. While I didn't have any major aversions or cravings, the foods I used to love eating no longer seemed delicious to me. I developed a liking for chamomile tea (which I have always hated because it smells like perfume to me) and strangely started wanting to eat cocoa krispie cereal (I have never even tasted it before and I normally hate chocolate flavored things). I also saw and felt changes in my body. I started having dizzy spells when I got up from sitting. I developed random bumps/hives all over my body, which was not pleasant. But all of it was ok, I accepted it as part of pregnancy.
I still have itchy bumps all over my arms and thighs, but now it makes me annoyed and angry because why the heck do I have to suffer through the negative effects of pregnancy if I'm not even going to get a baby?
There should be a word for the state of waiting to miscarry.
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