I have stunted emotional growth issues for sure. It's the only explanation for why the books I find most relatable are teen coming-of-age novels and why they touch, move, inspire, provoke and devastate me more than any other genre of book, movie, and hell, maybe even life.
I just finished reading "I'll Give You the Sun" by Jandy Nelson. It wasn't as devastatingly heartbreaking and perfectly imagined and written as "The Fault in Our Stars" or as so-real-I-feel-like-I'm-back-in-high-school as "Eleanor and Park," but it was a fantastic read nonetheless, one that sucks you in and makes you invested in the characters' lives. I always do this - I become emotionally invested in the novels I read and for days afterward, their reality seems more real than my reality. It takes me a few days to let that fictional world go and fully return to the real world.
One of the quotes from the book is "Some people were meant to be in the same story." Love it, so true. (I love how I love to quote fictional teenagers).
When I think about the cast of characters that God/the universe has given me, there are some where I wonder: why God, why did you pick THAT person to be in my life (sadly, I feel these sentiments most about my own mother and father, but that's something I won't go into here). But by and large, I feel grateful. People are messy, but the life we build together can be so beautiful.
I'm also reading "Accidental Saints" by Nadia Bolz-Weber, a former addict-turned-Lutheran-minister. While I don't really relate to her, I love her experience of grace and faith and her relationship with God. Because it's real and raw and complicated and not pious or stuffy. And while she swears like a sailor and admits she's an asshole, her take on God is so similar in many ways to Mother Teresa and Glennon Doyle Melton, both of whose faith I just really adore. And that is: God comes to us through the broken, messy people he puts in our lives.
Life is so messy. Faith is so complicated. We're all so fucked up. But grace is so simple. Love and forgiveness. A hand to lift us up, carry us through the worst storms.
What I love about Jesus is that he fully understands how fucked up we are and meets us as we are. It's been such a revelation to understand (or rather, to receive) grace, because the premises are so different from what I grew up being taught. All my life, I felt I wasn't holy enough, good enough. You were saved if you were an exemplary Christian (whatever the eff that means), which in the Korean American church mostly meant that you abided by mostly Confucian principles of filial piety. And while when I look back on my life, I see that God was there the whole time, I never understood true grace until this past year. And it looks and feels so different from anything I ever learned in church (which is why it has been so hard to find a church, and why I still feel so repelled by most churches, but that's something I won't go into here). I used to think that if you're a Christian, you magically become good because "you've let Jesus into your heart." I mean, if Jesus is in your heart, how could you have any sinful thoughts or carry out any sinful deeds? It's why I always felt like a fraud - I was never holy or pure enough, I was still sinful.
But when I experienced redemptive, life-changing grace, there was no judgment, no demand from God that I have to become good. Only the promise that I'm forgiven (always), loved (unconditionally), and that he's with me and will see me through the hardest of times. I realize now that there is nothing more life-changing than to realize that you are fully known, yet fully forgiven and loved. It doesn't make me want to be "good," but it makes me want to share this grace and love, and maybe that's kind of the same thing. I will probably never stop swearing. I will probably always be restless and impatient and cynical, qualities that make it impossible for me to ever be a "nice" person. And Jesus loves me just the same. He doesn't want me to change, he just wants me to forgive and love me, and for me to forgive and love others.
I've tried for months to come up with a pithy explanation for grace. Because when I start talking about grace, I start sounding a little bit loopy and mental. I can hear myself and my cynical, logic-driven self thinks I sound bat-shit crazy. How do you explain the unexplainable? Grace is a mystery. Undeserved, unexpected, unexplainable.
There are so many ways to explain grace, and not enough words in the world to capture it fully. So here's one explanation: grace is God running towards me rather than away from me, even after seeing what an asshole I am.
I just finished reading "I'll Give You the Sun" by Jandy Nelson. It wasn't as devastatingly heartbreaking and perfectly imagined and written as "The Fault in Our Stars" or as so-real-I-feel-like-I'm-back-in-high-school as "Eleanor and Park," but it was a fantastic read nonetheless, one that sucks you in and makes you invested in the characters' lives. I always do this - I become emotionally invested in the novels I read and for days afterward, their reality seems more real than my reality. It takes me a few days to let that fictional world go and fully return to the real world.
One of the quotes from the book is "Some people were meant to be in the same story." Love it, so true. (I love how I love to quote fictional teenagers).
When I think about the cast of characters that God/the universe has given me, there are some where I wonder: why God, why did you pick THAT person to be in my life (sadly, I feel these sentiments most about my own mother and father, but that's something I won't go into here). But by and large, I feel grateful. People are messy, but the life we build together can be so beautiful.
I'm also reading "Accidental Saints" by Nadia Bolz-Weber, a former addict-turned-Lutheran-minister. While I don't really relate to her, I love her experience of grace and faith and her relationship with God. Because it's real and raw and complicated and not pious or stuffy. And while she swears like a sailor and admits she's an asshole, her take on God is so similar in many ways to Mother Teresa and Glennon Doyle Melton, both of whose faith I just really adore. And that is: God comes to us through the broken, messy people he puts in our lives.
Life is so messy. Faith is so complicated. We're all so fucked up. But grace is so simple. Love and forgiveness. A hand to lift us up, carry us through the worst storms.
What I love about Jesus is that he fully understands how fucked up we are and meets us as we are. It's been such a revelation to understand (or rather, to receive) grace, because the premises are so different from what I grew up being taught. All my life, I felt I wasn't holy enough, good enough. You were saved if you were an exemplary Christian (whatever the eff that means), which in the Korean American church mostly meant that you abided by mostly Confucian principles of filial piety. And while when I look back on my life, I see that God was there the whole time, I never understood true grace until this past year. And it looks and feels so different from anything I ever learned in church (which is why it has been so hard to find a church, and why I still feel so repelled by most churches, but that's something I won't go into here). I used to think that if you're a Christian, you magically become good because "you've let Jesus into your heart." I mean, if Jesus is in your heart, how could you have any sinful thoughts or carry out any sinful deeds? It's why I always felt like a fraud - I was never holy or pure enough, I was still sinful.
But when I experienced redemptive, life-changing grace, there was no judgment, no demand from God that I have to become good. Only the promise that I'm forgiven (always), loved (unconditionally), and that he's with me and will see me through the hardest of times. I realize now that there is nothing more life-changing than to realize that you are fully known, yet fully forgiven and loved. It doesn't make me want to be "good," but it makes me want to share this grace and love, and maybe that's kind of the same thing. I will probably never stop swearing. I will probably always be restless and impatient and cynical, qualities that make it impossible for me to ever be a "nice" person. And Jesus loves me just the same. He doesn't want me to change, he just wants me to forgive and love me, and for me to forgive and love others.
I've tried for months to come up with a pithy explanation for grace. Because when I start talking about grace, I start sounding a little bit loopy and mental. I can hear myself and my cynical, logic-driven self thinks I sound bat-shit crazy. How do you explain the unexplainable? Grace is a mystery. Undeserved, unexpected, unexplainable.
There are so many ways to explain grace, and not enough words in the world to capture it fully. So here's one explanation: grace is God running towards me rather than away from me, even after seeing what an asshole I am.
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