Only grace

I'm used to having control over my life. It usually serves me well because it means I am generally a responsible independent person, but it is also my achille's heel because I think it prevents me from every truly letting go. Letting go and enjoying the moment. Letting go and letting life surprise me. Letting go and letting God.

I think because I've generally been good at having control over my life (even the risks I've taken in life have been always been controlled risks, where I've thought through all of the steps and potential outcomes and repercussions before "jumping"), I've fallen into the false notion that I in fact have control over my life, when the truth is, I have no control at all. I've never had control, that has always been a false notion. 

But it often takes a crisis, a life-altering event, for me to realize this truth (again). And to bring me to my knees before God, completely helpless, asking for the thing only God can give, and the only thing that can get me through. Grace. 

I need grace, and the only source of grace I've ever found is God.

I'm not a church-goer. I've lost a lot of faith in organized religion. And so, when people ask me what my religion is, I often say "nothing." Because I don't want to say I'm a Christian and have them look at my life and think Christians are unholy or hypocritical. Because I don't think I'm a good example of a follower of Christ. But ever since I first truly experienced God's grace and forgiveness, I have never lost my faith - in God's mercy, his Grace, the only thing that can ever get me through when I am completely empty and lost and trying to find air to breathe when it feels like the world is crumbling into itself. 

God, grant me grace.