Of drugs and other loves

On my last visit home, my brother noted that I never blog about him, and told me that it hurts his feelings that I don't. So this blog is dedicated to my one and only leeeetle brother, J.

My brother and I are complete opposites on the surface. He is happy-go-lucky whereas I am uptight; he is playful and jovial whereas I am serious and stern; he is messy whereas I am obsessive-compulsively clean and organized; he is carefee/careless whereas I am overly careful; he is a risk-taker whereas I am a risk-avoider; he has an addictive personality whereas I am always controlled. Truth be told, sometimes I wish I could be more carefree like my brother and not such a worrier/planner like myself. Yet we're more alike than people may think - it's just the manifestation of certain character traits that appear to the naked eye to be different.

For example, my brother has a very addictive personality. Whether it's cigarettes, alcohol, World of Warcraft, gambling...if there's any addiction-inducing quality to it, he is susceptible. On the other hand, it would appear that I have never been addicted to anything, but I think that is actually reflective of my addiction to control. I am a control freak; control is my only addiction - it rules my life. I hate to lose control over myself, which is why I refuse to ever get even close to becoming addicted to alcohol or gambling. I think my risk aversion, obsessive compulsive cleaning/organizing, list-making...all of these things are simply indicative of my addiction to control.

I was thinking about this today as I popped yet two more Advil to make my pounding headache go away. Within a few minutes it was as if the clouds had parted and the sun had come out. Drugs - who knew they were so amazing?

The thing is, normally I refuse to take drugs. No matter how sick I am, I believe my body can fight whatever germs are invading my body on its own. I have some hypochondriac tendencies, so I worry that if I take a drug, I might be one of the tiny minority who might have a severe adverse reaction to it. And I worry that if I start using meds, my body might become dependent on them to relieve pain or get over illness. Or worse yet, that my body will start becoming so numb to the effects of the meds that when I really need them, they'll be useless. But these last few days, when Advil and Theraflu came to the rescue, I realized the real danger is this: I find drugs so magically amazing that I must stay away from them so I never become addicted to them. Because the effect of two advil in making my pain magically go away is so alluring that I might start popping them like candy. This is where my addiction to control kicks in and becomes useful - my biggest addiction is to control, and above all else, I fear losing control of myself and my life. When I realize that I could become dependent on meds, which to me means losing control over myself, my addiction to control basically prevents me from taking more meds.

Several years ago, my brother gave me a book for Christmas titled "The Art of Doing Nothing." He told me that while I am good at doing stuff, I'm terrible at doing nothing. And it's true - I can never sit still. Even when I'm sick at home, I have to keep busy - cooking, cleaning, folding laundry. It's another addiction - always having to do something.

Sometimes, I have to admit, I wish I could kick my addiction to control and just let loose. Be wild and crazy, irresponsible; not think about the repercussions. But I think doing so would give me a panic attack.